Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Me: Duh, you already know the answers.”, 69. Even the cake was in tiers.”, 62. “To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.”, 9. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. “My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of god women, eat a salad.”, 19. Unless you're a serial killer.”, “It's not true that I had nothing on. “I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me”, 7. Check out these 76 funny quotes and funny pictures to help you get through today. If you don’t like me, remember its mind over matter. I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. “I may not be perfect but atleast I’m not you”, 34. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. I have a sister and I’m not afraid to use her!”, 72. 56 Short Inspirational Quotes And Short Inspirational Sayings, 144 Happy Birthday Wishes And Happy Birthday Funny Sayings, 38 Cute Life Quotes That Will Instantly Make You Smile, 56 Good Morning Inspirational Quotes With Beautiful Images, 44 Motivational Inspirational Quotes About Life & Success, 35 Good Morning Quotes with Beautiful Images, Copyright © 2018 Image May Be Subject to Copyright to Respectful Owners. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. “Let’s be nice to everyone, today. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”, 15. Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. “The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”, 67. “My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot!” I got detention after asking which end.”, 49. “Stay single until someone actually compliments your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life quotes from a wide range of funny quotes. “Saying to your friends, “If we get caught, here’s the story…””, 20. “Oh, I’m sorry. If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” – Winston Churchill funny quote, 28. “I just wanna lay next to you And listen to the beat of your heart I just wanna close my eyes And fall asleep in your arms I just wanna feel you And just forget the world ”, 6. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Now put it over your mouth.”, 27. It’s kind of a shock. “If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”, 58. Need a good laugh? Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Why don't you get a haircut? Home / Top 100 Funny Quotes. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Then walk into a pole.”, 55. He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! “Do you know why birds sing in the mornings? : Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes. They’re like: “Dude, racism is stupid. “I almost gave a fuck scared the shit out myself..”, 63. I had the radio on.”, “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”, “They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”, “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”, “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”, “It's not because I want to make out with her. “Me: I’m going to bed early tonight. Please continue while I take notes”, 45 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions, 52 Crazy Funny Friendship Quotes for Best Friends, 59 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love, 35 Short Funny Quotes About Life to Make You Laugh, 38 Short Positive Quotes – Motivational Quotes of the Day, Your email address will not be published. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. “The short answer is no. I call them sentence enhancers.”, 65. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks! “If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. Your email address will not be published. “If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girl’s bathroom then the world would be a much happier place.”, 11. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever Bill Murray. “The best memories come from bad ideas done with best friends.”, 56. “Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.”, 16. “My therapist told me: the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. 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I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.
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