Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. But who prays for Satan? ", "Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. ", "Be careful about reading health books. It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. "Reader, suppose you were an idiot. There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. The trouble ain’t that there are too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right. A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants. A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time. Naked people have little or no influence on society. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Share PINTEREST Email Print PhotoQuest / Getty Images Political Humor. Mark Twain, one of the greatest American authors and humorists, had a way with words beyond his books and stories. Man Finds Old Buried Chain, His Gut Then Tells Him To Keep Pulling, Homeless Man Sues Burger King For a Million Dollars, Over 3 Months Spent In Jail Without Proof, She Looked Like She Was Pregnant With 30 Puppies, Then Vet Gives Mom The X-Ray, 10-Year-Old Boys’ Sentenced To Life In Prison After Child Goes Missing, Daughter Wakes Up To Serial Killer Sitting at The End Of Her Bed, Woman In Coma for 3 Weeks Wakes Up To Learn Her Family Pulled the Plug on Her, Missing Alabama Mother Found In The Woods After Sister Discovers Her Car, NFL Star Murders Girlfriend After Heated Argument Then Pulls Trigger on Himself. ", "A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. Baseball, basketball, football, hockey, fantasy football, and virtually every other sport are covered. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. - Mark Twain. “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation. Mark Twain was born in Hannibal, Missouri in 1835, and died of a heart attack in Redding, Connecticut in 1910. Love truly. 1. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. ", "Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. The lack of money is the root of all evil. Naked people have little or no influence on society. The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. I said I didn’t know. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. The lack of money is the root of all evil. “The Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated Edition): Novels, Short Stories, Memoir, Travel Books, Letters, Biography, Articles & Speeches: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn, Life on the Mississippi, Yankee in King Arthur's Court…”, p.8122, e-artnow ", "I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. ", "Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in. ", "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ", "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can. Explore. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it. Joel Brown. Age is an issue of mind over matter. You will not regret it if you live. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. ", "Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered—either by themselves or by others. Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. Dream. ", "Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it. The fear of death follows the fear of life. 70. Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. ", "What would men be without women? The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. Mark Twain was a great American novelist, lecturer, and philosopher. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Enjoy the best Mark Twain Quotes at BrainyQuote. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.” Classic: A book which people praise and don’t read. If you enjoyed these funny quotes by Mark Twain then please share the post to appreciate us. What would men be without women? Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Posted by Addam Corre on 22 Feb, 2014June 25, 2019. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ", "Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.". Or needs to. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. Enjoy the wit and wisdom that shine in these Mark Twain quotes. ", "Clothes make the man. Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.13, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. Mark Twain (2017). Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Discover. ", "Always do right. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. Everything comes there ten years later. I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. ", "A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies. To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. Name the greatest of all inventors. Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ", "Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge. 71. ", "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Quotations by Mark Twain, American Author, Born November 30, 1835. ", "Get a bicycle. Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool. ", "I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever. ", "Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. It was here first. Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ", "All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. When I was a boy of 14, my father was ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. Discover. One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare. Thank you for visiting: Mark Twain Quotes - Funny Quotes by Mark Twain. ", "The silent colossal National Lie that is the support and confederate of all the tyrannies and shams and inequalities and unfairnesses that afflict the peoples—that is the one to throw bricks and sermons at. Your email address will not be published. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. He lived from the years 1835 – 1910, living a long and rich life. “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation, Mark Twain (2014). 13. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. 8. The Mark Twain quotes selected by our Life Daily team give a humorous insight into his views about life and God. Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. Prosperity is the best protector of principle. 14. Many consider Huckleberry Finn to be the great American novel. April 1. Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. The writer of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer had a way with words. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. 7. ", "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. ", "Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. Let us be thankful for the fools. Find you purpose. No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. Mark Twain (2014). Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Now, have a look and be inspired from the world of sports. ", "If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. ", "Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living. When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. ", "I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. Training is everything. 3. I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the only essential thing. Accident. ", "Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else. The Twain House, as it turns out, recommends Twain Quotes, a database of attributed quotes by and about Mark Twain.The site was put together by Twain scholar Barbara Schmidt, and it’s one of the few sources of reliable Twain quotes. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. The world owes you nothing. 15. ", "Loyalty to country ALWAYS. In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions. Then he made school boards. Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast. Free Daily Quotes. When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? Joan of Arc. Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

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